Writing and cooking often Good food for a good mood Lots of writing for peace of mind RYT200 Vinyasa 〰️ Sydney
Writing and cooking often Good food for a good mood Lots of writing for peace of mind RYT200 Vinyasa 〰️ Sydney
Depression has many times made me a shitty friend, daughter and partner. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ There are days and weeks were no amount of meditation, journaling, or exercise can get me out of the scary indifference that has me wondering whether to get out of bed or stay in for the next 10 years. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Like many of my friends who suffer from depression, I retreat. Sending a text, answering a phone call, replying to a FB message, for some bizarre reason I can’t quite explain, seems near impossible. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Because I’ve experienced it, I can understand it, but I can also understand how strange it might seem to someone producing the right amounts of serotonin. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Is it really that hard to reply to my text? Sometimes, yes. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Not only because we’re in a darker place but also because it leads to explaining why we’re there, why we can’t get out with that bit of advice we’ve just been given and why we’re stuck and why you aren’t. It personally makes me feel crazy. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Other times, it’s simply a lack of energy. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ When I’m feeling good, I’m rational. And when I’m not, I’m not. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ When I’m feeling good I like to think of myself as a good friend. And when I’m not, I’m probably not. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Having a friend with mental illness can be challenging because it requires patience, understanding and a whole lot of trust that it has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with their personality either. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ So this is a big thank you to all the friends and family being patient, supportive and reassuring to those with mental illness. It’s hard, sometimes taxing and many times confusing as we come in and out every so often. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ From those relationships we learn how to take care of others when they’re in need. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And to the relationships that have had to end because of it, those are important too. Setting boundaries and knowing you don’t have to and can’t save anyone is an overlooked part of self-care. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ From those relationships we learn to create our own boundaries and put ourselves first. To make that appointment, commit to that daily ritual, ask for help, seek pleasure.
The moment you decide your cup of coffee should be as good if not better than the cup of coffee you’d make for someone else, life becomes SO MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Suddenly you’re baking for yourself, maybe even sifting the flour, TWICE. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ You take yourself out to the movies and buy yourself a treat because none of these things should be reserved for the day everyone’s schedules sync up. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I spent many years taking better care of other people, making sure their every need was met and as soon as I was left alone I’d be having cold baked beans from the tin (delicious but you know what I’m saying ). ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The other day I was asked if I believed in having one true soulmate and I very quickly said no. There are many special people out there for the many different phases of your life. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But what I meant to say is yes, YOU ARE YOUR OWN DAMN SOULMATE. YOUR ONE AND ONLY. YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ You deserve the compliment, support, nice dinner, cute present, solid encouragement you’re giving everyone else. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ You deserve to triple sift that flour so you get the fluffiest cake all to yourself my friend 💝 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ So from me to you, TREAT YOSELF. Stop waiting for someone to treat or for someone to treat you 🎂
The reminder for today is to have your flax, don’t skimp on the nut butter, take your b12 and dump whomever is causing you grief. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ HAPPY WEEKEND LOVERS 👯♀️
It begins with your mother going on a diet, your grandmother having a loud opinion on your hair and makeup and your friend telling you there’s nothing you need to change but with her it’s a different story. She wants a new set of legs. I assure her her legs are fine, in fact I’d take her legs and she’d take my tits and maybe then we’d be happy. Reality is, the shuffling would never stop. We’d be desperately exchanging cuticles and freckles until the day we died like it mattered. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I grew up with women around me not knowing how to speak of themselves kindly which led me to picking up the precise vocabulary to keep myself feeling small and insecure. It’s easy telling your friend she’s crazy when she points at herself like she’s anything other than wonderful. It’s harder to point at yourself and do the same which is understandable when every AD on every corner is giving you conflicting advice on what is “in” and what is “out” and how you must adjust. Thinking “hmm I look kind of decent today” IS A FUCKING MIRACLE which is also FUCKING SAD, but we’re moving forward. I now pay attention to what I say in front of my friends about myself because it matters, because you don’t buy anything from a shitty salesman that doesn’t believe what they’re selling. I pay attention to how I speak about other women because I have finally learned that putting them down does absolutely NOTHING for me but reinforce the language I don’t want to use about myself. Finally, I recognize that it’s VERY easy for me. I am a white hetero woman, and if I’m riddled with insecurities by todays beauty standards I can’t even fathom what it would be like for others. Which brings me to the beginning. How you talk about yourself in front of others is important for others AND yourself. If you really want the best for your friends and the people around you it starts with wanting the best for yourself too. It’s kind of a fake it till you make it situation. Fake it until the vocabulary that used to roll off your tongue so easily becomes less habitual. Also, while we’re at it, dance more. We might all die tomorrow with Trump as president so get out of your head, you’re cool.
This plant in our house is thriving and I thought it deserved to be documented in case it decided to kill itself by tomorrow like indoor plants tend to do 🌿 #myplantsgavemetrustissues
Can’t wait for a single drop of rain to ruin my entire existence with bangs #kitchenscissorcut
Well of course, what else would you expect? 🙃 #onlysometimesnewcontent
Jealousy, the most curious of emotions, the one thing I would say to my girlfriends with certainty when we discussed love, sex and the opposite - I’m just not the jealous kind. I’d agree to anger, manipulation, selfishness, small revenge but jealousy always implied to me crazy and even though I was the only one allowed to admit my own craziness, jealousy seemed more fitting on others. I did agree to insecurities, fear of more interesting, beautiful, smart people, but it would never internalize as jealousy. Rather it became an utter sadness at the lack of luck but more so the lack of time to develop into everything I knew I could develop into. I never struggled with believing in my own potential. But this was before. Before I knew love to be not just calm and safe, but hot and crazy and angry and sweet, yes, but maddening too and love that would overtake my entire body and make me drop everything for someone else, love. Jealousy is curious not because it’s complex. It seems to me the most simple of emotions, the most primal and most straightforward, however the after effects of jealousy are almost like being scolded by a sip of hot coffee, you feel it, you feel it, and then suddenly it’s not there anymore. Jealousy seems to me curious because it’s not a lingering feeling, it’s almost a feeling that resolves itself, clearcut. It doesn’t carry-on, it’s excruciating and then I’m in bed asleep. Sadness carries on. Anger carries on. Happiness carries on but maybe less so. Jealousy, I wake up and laugh at myself for ever allowing such red, vivid, heat blind me momentarily and believe life was over. I might still agree and say I have never felt jealousy before, maybe not the true kind. Of course I did check up on him on social media every day first thing in the morning, and one time I went to where his girlfriend worked, and this other time I asked if he actually loved me when I saw him smile at another woman, but true jealousy, never. But only because true jealousy goes hand-in-hand with forgetfulness. And maybe it’s because jealousy is such a primal emotion I would be too ashamed to admit to myself that maybe I was indeed the jealous kind.
I don’t know, sometimes all I want to do is bake you a banana bread, so I go to the supermarket to get walnuts and some really nice dark chocolate to mix through. I go back to the supermarket a second time because I forget I don’t keep brown sugar in the pantry like I used to which is something that would have truly mortified my 12-year-old baker self. In any case I sift the flour which is something I never bother doing and I carefully fold and generously add all the bits of chocolate without allowing myself to have a single piece, OK, maybe just one piece. I patiently wait until the smells travel our entire house and then let it cool completely and deliver it to your place which is a place I haven’t been to often because we hardly know each other. Still, I want you to have a slice next morning and may I suggest toasting it and spreading some peanut butter on top and drizzling a generous amount of maple syrup if you do keep some in the fridge, I hope you do, and I hope this doesn’t come across as controlling. I just want you to have the best banana bread before going to work and not everything has to mean something. Not that I haven’t wondered myself why I’d go to the supermarket twice in the rain but these are not the parts of me that deserve criticism. Not the kind and sweet parts of me that want you to relish the most comforting and warming pleasures of life before 9 AM. I’m aware now that we shy away from these niceties often which leads to my damn banana bread weighing more than all the carefully measured ingredients I put in it and what a shame that is. Some things must remain simple in order to remain sweet. I hope these aren’t the things I criticize in others. That I don’t always look for hidden meaning in kindness or think too highly of myself to ever bother going to the supermarket twice. I hope to never be cool, I hope to never be careless, I hope to always bake during winter, I hope to always make time for other people, I hope one day I do bring you a loaf of banana bread and it may be the sweetest breakfast you have that week and you read nothing into it, for these are the true pleasures in life. The ones that come with no explanation
If a neopet could die, I would’ve killed yours. I would’ve had your password and just enough time to micromanage my account and yours in the hour I was allotted every Thursday and Sunday to use dial up. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ This is if we had met when we were 12, but instead we met at a time when obsession was a little less cool and a little more underrated and because of that I haven’t been able to think of a way to almost nearly kill you so that you’d know that maybe there was indeed a bad bone in me, at least one, and you’d be the first to discover it. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I didn’t let you discover many things and maybe that was part of the problem, nothing would ever seem like it was for you to call your own, but this bad bone, this would be yours. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ So wildly yours I’d send it through the mail and quite possibly regret it immediately because even though I was born with an edge and a drop of manic passed down my family line for generations, I was also born with the unfortunate inability to be cool and careless. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ You knew this about me even when I said I hated the world and everyone in it. I would spend an entire night staring at the ceiling going through the same handful of thoughts in circular motion while you slept next to me grinding your teeth. Our worries would always manifest in different ways even though we swore we were the same person. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Maybe, if only I could, I’d take back every song I recommended, Every movie I said I had watched at least twice, Every book I lugged around and didn’t want to leave behind, The poetry you didn’t get and I probably only pretended to get, My most comforting foods that became yours too, And all the yoga I made you do. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Or instead, You could keep it all as I wouldn’t get the satisfaction of watching you be stripped by what would become some of your favorites too, and so it would be of no use to me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ So all I can think of is spending all your neopoints, leaving your shitty store bare and poisoning your neopet, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ If we were 12. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But I’m 26 and I can’t believe I’m writing about neopets 🙃
I inherited my mother’s forehead and more recently her knack for waking up at 2:22am and 3:33am. This has been happening for as long as I can remember. She would wake up, check the time and then lie there until the sun came up and as the sun came up I’d still be asleep in my room. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ In my room there is a window as big as the wall, with no curtains, facing my bed. The sun would shine through, fiercely, every morning, at 5:30am and I wouldn’t notice. I wouldn’t notice the fireworks that sometimes went off at midnight or the loud karaoke down the road or the incessant howling from stray dogs everywhere in our neighborhood. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Naturally my mom got into numerology, and naturally I didn’t because I inherited my father’s cynicism and of course, sarcasm and of course, nose. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ There are some things you can’t do anything about. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ My mother thought she could shake away my sarcasm, my dryness, my inability to let go of the joke, but I’m just like my father I never grew up with and less like my mother who did everything to keep us afloat and because of this I’d carry the heavy weight of guilt. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’ve been waking up at 3:33am. I’ve slept with the window open and closed, socks on and off. I’ve gone to bed naked and fully clothed and wondered why I was having to relearn to sleep at 26. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’ve read three books on sleep, meditated in the morning and at night, bought ear plugs and an eye mask. I’ve gone for late night runs and early ones, I’ve socialized, then stayed in. I’ve stretched, walked, danced and taken long, hot showers. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’ve done everything but sleep uninterruptedly. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I have dark circles under my eyes, a pulled calf muscle from walking so much, a new favorite catch phrase: “I’m exhausted”, and I know every road, back alley and park. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ If I were to pinpoint the day I stopped taking sleep for granted I’d very quickly be able to tell you where this was all stemming from. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But avoidance is another one of my traits that I’d like to say is genetic but I still don’t know enough about my father.
Self love that isn’t bullshit and doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg: 1.Make a budget 2.Tidy up your house, clean your fridge, throw out those smelly left overs 3.Put your phone down 4.Ask a friend how they’re doing 5.Make extra dinner to put in the freezer 6.Read something on paper, not on your phone 7.PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR YOU ABSOLUTE FREAK 8.Commit to a fun project like making sourdough bread! Or sauerkraut! Or pastries! Non-food projects are also fun, I guess. 9.Tend to your dreams/aspirations, or at least make time to think about who you want to be/what you want to do in the future (a different way of saying journal, hehe ) 10.Get enough sleep 11.WATER! 12.CHOCOLATE! 13.TAXES! (I tried to disguise ) 14.WALKS! 15.AT LEAST FOR 10 MINS. 10 MINS A DAY WITHOUT YOUR PHONE. YOU CAN DO IT. 16.Make a dentist appointment! Someone make one for me! I’m petrified of dentists, doctors, needles and hospitals! 17.Find a dog and pat. Or find a cat and pat. Or look at a bird and be sad that you can’t pat but also be overcome with happiness that they’re not trapped in a small little cage. 18.Think of yourself as the bird! 19.DANCE! 20.MASTURBATE! 21.SING! 22.CRY! SCREAM! 23.Take your Omegas! 24.Watch The Office! 25.STAY WEIRD! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’m slacking on many but not slacking on The Office, go me! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 26.Congratulate yourself for every tiny victory. 27. Book that therapy appointment you’ve been meaning to book for the past 300 years. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ What ways do you take care of yourself in a world that sometimes feels a bit dark and heavy? 🍧 #selflove #selfcare #notanotherfacemaskyo
The other movement I’m passionate about, bread. More specifically, the stop demonising bread movement (LET ME HAVE MY GLUTEN! ) And, The stop putting weird ingredients in bread (STOP IT WITH THE MILK POWDER YO! ) ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Is there any food as convenient, yummy and versatile as bread? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ NO! What a silly question. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Sweet, savoury, toasty, crunchy, soft AND crunchy, chewy even! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Anyway, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Keep your bread simple. Extra points if it’s sourdough, yum. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And pile on the toppings sky high and enjoy! It’s been my solution for the whole lunch conundrum. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ On mine 🌞 Miso Hummus Avocado Tempeh Sauerkraut Tomato ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Whats your favourite topping? Plz tell me 🍧 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ PS. I mean of course if you’re celiac stay away. I’m not trying to kill you I promise.
Are smoothie bowls still in? Always. Are photos of smoothie bowls still in? I’m not sure, but here you go. Probably the prettiest food I’ll have this week, so I had to 🍧 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ RECIPE 🌞 1 frozen banana 1 date 1 cup frozen blueberries 1 acai packet 1/2 cup frozen pineapple 1 tbsp flaxseed 1 tsp maca powder 1 tbsp vanilla protein powder (optional )(everything is optional )(don’t u forget it ) 1-1.5 cup oat milk ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ BLEND AND ADD ALL THE TOPPINGS YOU CAN FIND! 🌈 AND SHOW YOUR FRIENDS SO THEY KNOW WHAT PRETTY THINGS YOU’RE CAPABLE OF
Ay que rico es sacar el tiempo para tomarme un café o un chocolate caliente. Ahorita estoy en el medio de varios projectos y muchas veces se siente imposible sentarse a disfrutar, pero es mentira que no tengo 10 minutos para mí misma. Juro que 10 minutos hacen toda la diferencia. 10 minutos y una taza de chocolate caliente gracias 🌈
An ideal situation.
Honesty is fingers stroking a body and finding patches of dry skin that feel rough and I feel like dying a million times over because my body isn’t my temple, it is a temple for others to worship and sometimes there isn’t enough time or will for the impeccability I’ve been taught to uphold. Honesty is a word you know well coming out of your mouth strangely and having to chuckle and apologize for it. It is squatting to pee behind a few trees and feeling the breeze between your legs and the fire from your thighs and the slight dampness on your underwear. It is the feeling of jealousy that travels the same distance your blood does. It is the tiny shock you feel when you can’t find your wallet in your bag, The bigger shock that maybe you’re not completely out of love yet. All living things are connected by their need to survive. This goes for anger, happiness, and of course, love. What differs is their reason for survival. The need to remain impeccable. For fingers to touch me, for my mind to remain blank and free of worry, a luxury only those deep in love are granted, and even then, it’s fickle. Changing, a state of being that allows for emotional laziness. Honesty, sometimes unnecessary. I scrub myself clean and even remember to soap that spot on my foot I always forget, and I’ve paid extra attention to the skin behind my ears and the place behind my knees, We are all connected by our willingness to survive, What changes is our reasoning. I’ve had big reasons and small reasons, But what is a temple with no one to worship it? What amount of scrubbing and picking and cleaning goes into a body left alone? Changing, A state that allows for less precise living. In transition, The description I’ve used to explain why I am where I am. Loneliness, A feeling I didn’t know could be described by how much attention I pay to the less useful parts of my body. Out of love, A myth. In love, Fickle. Do we ever win? Daily, but in small ways. A big reason is to see myself through this, A small reason is who I’ll call on my way home. Honesty, Knowing that the ending will feel a lot like this, But honesty is many times unnecessary.
Look, I’m 300 years late to the whole cut your fruit into cute shapes thing but I was going through the misc drawer (a drawer filled with receipts, elastic bands, ikea tools, and it’s basically everything Marie Kondo tells you not to do ) and I found little star cookie cutters. The thing about pleasure (my word of the month if you hadn’t noticed ) is that many times it’s simply about slowing the fuck down, something that doesn’t come naturally to me. Many months ago when I used to write daily emails I told a story about feeling my most crazy when I’m trying to do the simplest of things. I remember every time I left the house I had to triple check that the keys were with me and when I say triple check I mean I probably checked 10 times. The funny or maybe not so funny thing was that I was completely aware of what I was doing, so much so that I would laugh at myself for having to check once more even though the keys, obviously, hadn’t moved and I knew this. I went on a date with a musician a few weeks back and he told me that he could spend hours not thinking about anything and although I’m very sure he must have been thinking about something, thinking about only one thing is such a foreign concept to me. Last night I opened my notebook and I wrote in bed. This morning I peeled then sliced then cut my kiwifruit into little stars. On the days I go to work I might not make the time for such delicacy, but I hope that I can make the time for other sorts of pleasure. Like waking up 10 mins earlier so that I don’t rush to the train station. Or picking out some really nice lingerie to put on. Or having a dance before I get in the shower. There is always room to slow down. To some people it comes naturally and to others, like myself, we just have to get organized and write some things down before going to bed. Checking to see if I had the keys was a sign of utter chaos and a complete loss of control I had over everything around me. Maybe seeing them in my bag every time I peeked brought me a weird sense of comfort. Or maybe I was insane. Anyway, look at me now, eating starshaped kiwifruit!
Now that I’m on a roll with this whole pleasure thing I wanted to remind you how easy it is to play a song and just dance. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ A lot of the messages I received from my story on sex were women feeling unsexy, unattractive and uncomfortable and I get it. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Still, this makes me extremely sad and it pisses me off because FUCK, I bet these women are smart and funny and successful and SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL. FUCK, I bet I am too. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Still, I have days when I wonder why I don’t have a bigger butt, smaller tits, darker eyelashes and no pores, so I’m quite unsure as to how to get to the level of self love in which you wake up feeling fab in your body every morning. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Maybe it’s impossible for a myriad of reasons, some which are out of our control and others which are, or were, in our control but we didn’t know any better (HELLO EVERY SHITTY MAGAZINE I READ GROWING UP ). What I do know is that the more you get OUT OF YOUR HEAD, the more you can feel bloody good in your skin. And getting out of your head means, GET. MOVING. Want to feel instantly better? Move! Want to release stress? Move! Want to not kill your partner right now? Move! Want to feel sexy? Play a song and move that sweet body of yours! Dancing is probably the easiest, quickest and best way I know how to lift my mood and appreciate my body for what it is: a fantastic, creative and free thing eager to be moved. Eager to express and take up space. This is the most primal way to create art, through the body itself. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And for thousands of years, this is what we’ve done, we’ve created art when confronted with inexplicable mysteries that defy our common sense, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Like, why are my tits not perky anymore? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ So I play a little bit of Prince, dance in the kitchen and forget about what anything is meant to look like.
Apart from being scared of irrational things like: 1.Calls from private numbers 2.Balloons 3.And the moment I get on the escalator (brief yet real ) I’ve started getting anxious about reading comments and checking DMs, which is the most millennial sentence I’ve written to date (extremely debatable ). There’s this expectation that one person must tick EVERY box, stand for all causes, be vocal and inclusive always, consider ALL situations, be aware of the pros and cons, speak up but not too loudly, be controversial but also remember your boundaries, Fuck. Is this a new issue arising from the fact that we can get most everything from one source with very little effort? My phone is now my alarm, my personal trainer, my meditation teacher, my phone, my diary, my camera, my radio. I can get groceries, clothes, takeout, a degree and a date with a click. When I was 14 I spent every night on very slow internet looking for the best new music. I’d go through every blog, listen to little snippets, choose my ONE song for the night and then open up Limewire and leave it to illegally download for 18 hours. When you open up Spotify, there’s a curated playlist waiting for you. When you open Instagram, there are many hours of content to please your hungry eyes. And because it’s waiting for you it gives off the illusion that it is everyone else’s responsibility to make you feel validated, entertained, educated and It is everyone else’s responsibility to avoid triggering YOU. I’m all for inclusivity (obviously! ), but I’m also all for specializing. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Just like you shouldn’t rely on one friend or partner to be your sole source of information and fun because how boring (& weird ) would that be, You shouldn’t expect a random person online to be that either. More importantly, you are in charge of your own feelings, triggers, attitude. What you decide to follow and pay attention to. Social media is neutral, it’s how you come to it that makes your experience. Diversify! Friends, books, accounts, experiences. Put in the effort, create your own opinion. But don’t be too opinionated. Jk. Lovu. Also I don’t watch GoT. So there’s that.
I started proactively reading on love, sex and relationships at the end of last year. I did so because I thought I knew a lot about love and then realized I didn’t quite. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Very simply put, there are two sides of love. There’s the romantic, spontaneous, tingly love that makes you do crazy things and feel a full spectrum of emotions that you swear you’ve never felt before, and then there is love as a skill. The less spontaneous kind of love that requires effort, practice and compromise. The magic spot might be somewhere in the middle. My favorite book on the topic so far has been The Course of Love. The biggest learning that I took was that love doesn’t equal ease. At least not always. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The question then becomes how much effort is too much effort to put into a relationship? How much of love is hard work and how much is it flow? This is very easy to answer in the beginning stages. You listen to their shitty music, you laugh at their average jokes and you compliment their cooking which lacks salt, flavor and honestly is a bit mushy. As we get more comfortable and learn the more important things about this new person we strangely let them get away with less, maybe because we now hold their darker bits within us and they can’t leave so easily anymore. And as the years go by we forget that love is a skill that you build on in order to provide the space for the full spectrum of tingly emotions to exist again. I bring up romantic relationships because I think this same idea applies to ourselves. There is ease and hardship in simply being a stable human. Sometimes you’ll be head over heels with yourself and other days you’ll pick yourself apart incessantly. You’ll wonder how much work is too much work and how much time is too much time spent dealing with your shit. But hopefully, like you would with a partner, you open up, compassionate (! ), conversation with yourself. I might not know when the hardship stops being worthwhile in a partnership but I know it’s always worthwhile with yourself. It requires practice, effort and a lot of compromise to feel the romantic, tingly, overwhelming kind of love for yourself. 6/30 #readacaptionwriteacaption
Self-care on Instagram is 98% bullshit and I’m sorry if I’ve ever perpetuated that. From face masks to jade rollers to collagen to go get a massage, sauna, cryo you deserve it! You probably do deserve it, we all deserve to feel good, but the question we should be asking is ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ What will this really solve? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And yes, sometimes all you need is a night in a sauna to sweat it out, not that I’ve done that recently, but it looks tempting. However, that is a once every couple of months treat. Maybe we need a self-care checklist. Every time you see a woman in a bathtub or a sauna or me sipping on a weird tea, you ask yourself, Do I really need this? Will this add value to my life? Does this align with who I am? Is this going to help me get to the bottom of my money-work-feelings-relationship-body issue? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Scrolling on social media makes me feel like my life is falling apart because I don’t have time to buy flowers, fill up a bathtub and then put said flowers in hot water to simmer with me as the candle flickers and the incense burns and I got the photo but I still feel sad. As Audre Lorde said, taking care of yourself is about preservation. It’s about preserving your energy, mental and emotional, to be able to do the things you want to do. It’s about protecting your weirdness in a world that is constantly pushing you to be bland. It’s about being proud that you are indeed a bit freaky. It’s about saying NOPE when everyone wants you to say yes. It’s about being resilient with your dreams and goals. It’s understanding that self-care, many times, is corny and simultaneously really hard and painful. It’s tough because it’s ongoing. It’s not the one time you decide to buy yourself a nice dress or get yourself that pizza you’ve been craving, It’s the smaller, less photographic moments. It’s setting the alarm 5minutes early because 5minutes tending to yourself is better than none. Self-care is a form of self-respect not only for your current self but for your future self. How can you set up today to make your future-self feel more at ease? Maybe it’s a conscious yes to one thing, a conscious no to another.
You know what has nothing to do with this photo? Sex. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But watch me make it about sex. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ About pleasure, about finding everything you need within yourself. About being a woman not ashamed of enjoyment. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ About pleasure, about finding ways others can compliment you. About being a woman not ashamed of enjoyment without commitment. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I wish I knew early on that my role was not to bend over backwards, in ways that didn’t suit me, for someone else. I wish I knew my role was as equal to that of the person I was with. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ My enjoyment isn’t a lucky bonus, my enjoyment is the purpose. To realize this in my most intimate moments, I must realize this in my day to day life. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It shouldn’t take years to reach this conclusion. It shouldn’t take a dozen shitty lays. It should be a given. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ If I were to ever make a list of all things I’ve been made to believe I must be embarrassed about, I’d run out of ink. And by the time I ran out of ink I wouldn’t even have finished listing everything to do with sex. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ From my toes, to my tits, to the hair on my body, What I’m into, what I’m not, What I say, what I don’t, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ At this age I feel comfortable asking for what I need, But I don’t believe it is something that we should have to work towards, It should be a given. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ A very short list of (should be ) givens: Multiple female orgasms Masturbation Finding yourself sexy Saying no Being not into it Being extremely into it Asking for more Asking for less Talking about it, all of it Having a one night stand Hating one night stands ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ Whether you find pleasure in reading a good book, going out for dinner, having sex, masturbating, buying a dress or all of the above, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It matters, It 100% matters. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Ask for what you need (from yourself and/or your partner or whomever you’re getting sexy with ) Explore and find what works, Pleasure is your birthright, not just some conditional gift to be opened only when the stars align. 4/30 #readacaptionwriteacaption
The moon is out and it laughs at me from far away. From far away I look like something as inconsequential as a scribble on the corner of a page otherwise left blank. But not even. I rest my cheek on my arm and wonder how many times, when my mind wanders and lands on you, has your mind wandered and landed on me. You might think of a day we spent eight hours in the car and I might think of a day we spent eight hours on a bike, our bums so sore, our legs so tired, a thing we’d only do once. When I think of inconsequential things my mind goes momentarily blank. I am a romantic seeking connection in the dullest of moments and I’m aware it often makes me seem naïve. Worse, egotistical. Like the world is constantly bending over my shoulder pointing out what I would otherwise not see. I live under the Sydney flight path and at first I thought I’d never have a good night sleep again but by day five I was in a deep slumber with my window wide open and my ear plugs on my bedside table. Hanging out my washing on the only day it didn’t rain that week I counted three planes flying over me and I wish I knew how many people were sitting in each one. Maybe that is inconsequential. Still, to think I’m not even visible that high up in the sky concerns me. It reinforces the fact that everything carries on. It carries on with or without the person who trusted me so fully to tell me the darkest thought that their mind landed on as if it mattered. It carries on as I sit here writing and it carries on if I don’t. Inconsequential is whether or not your mind runs towards the face I made when we said goodbye, or if it runs away from the possibility of a life in which we come back to each other, but differently. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The moon is out and it laughs at me and suddenly I chuckle too. Maybe it all matters and maybe none of it does. As long as I’m laughing and on my way home, humble enough to recognize I’m small from some angles but wise to enough to know I’m big from others, I’ll carry on. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Whether or not we land on the same thought like we always used to, It all carries on. 3/30 #readacaptionwriteacaption
My biggest issue with writing is how idle it feels most of the time. I wake up, I sit at my desk and I stare at a blank page. I write a sentence, hate the sentence, then delete the sentence. This will go on for too long. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Still, the habit of sitting at my desk, as useless as it feels when every word is an effort, is important. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Creativity is often romanticized and at times it does feel like the most mysterious of relationships. Sometimes I write for hours and I’m on this high and it feels so good and I swear not another day will go by without writing. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The next day comes, and I sit, and I stare, and I wonder if this is something that I should even pursue. Is this a relationship I want to commit to when it feels so frustrating and hard a lot of the time? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ We are obsessed with ease and enjoyment, for good reason obviously, but it lends to a distorted view on creativity or any skill really. If you don’t get it right on the first try then maybe you need to try harder finding your God given talent. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Hated the first run? Wrote two sentences in 45mins? Couldn’t get your fingers on the right chords? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Try again. And again. And again. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ From all the books on writing and self-development that I’ve read, the idea of talent versus resilience is a topic that comes up often, and doing the work always wins. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The problem is that we always see the final product. The final ground-breaking essay without all the attempts, without all the hours fixated on a single word, without all the shitty writing that went on, on the days they didn’t feel like writers. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Yes, there are many lucky ones out there with God given talents and thank goodness we are able to enjoy and be mesmerized by what they manage to do with such ease and efficacy. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But it isn’t the norm. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ We are creative beings at the core but this will never mean we can bypass the work. In fact in means quite the opposite, we do the work in honor of our creativity and being gifted such a curious trait. 1/30 #readacaptionwriteacaption
Until I feel as comfortable talking about depression as I do about having a tooth ache, the discussion won’t stop. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ For the most part I feel quite alright letting people know it’s something I’ve dealt with for the longest time, but there’s a part of me, especially when I share it online, that feels a little insecure. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I imagine people I know and don’t know that have never had to deal with the unfathomable feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, for no reason they can pinpoint, and it bothers me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It bothers me because it makes me feel like I’m made of something weaker. Something that needs to be constantly looked after in a way most people don’t ever have to think about. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’ve been on medication and off medication and I made the decision a few years back that if I could manage my mood without medication, I would, and if for some reason I couldn’t then I’d reassess and be open to medication again. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ This is why I go on and on about morning routines, journaling, herbs and teas. This is why I got so heavily into spirituality, yoga and meditation. This is why I focus on eating plant-based foods. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I can see very clearly how these big and small changes, done consistently, have helped me but I can’t say it will solve the issue always because I do get bouts and I still get days when the indifference, the lack of motivation and the creeping sadness keeps me in bed. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Even after a yoga flow, a green smoothie and a 20min meditation. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It sucks. But I take it day by day. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And just like a guy with a sudden toothache on a Tuesday, I take it a bit slower when I’m feeling low. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Take care of yourself, You’re not made of something weaker but a little gentle loving on the days that you swear you must be, never hurt anyone.
A papaya to remind me of home 🌞
Last year I stopped waiting. This year I’m not breaking the tradition. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’m going to movies, concerts, coffee dates, night classes and dinners on my own 🍧 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I used to think it was kind of sad until I found myself dancing to my favorite song, with my eyes closed having the best time at a concert last Friday. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’m more conscious now of my reaction when I see someone having dinner on their own or going to a movie with no partner on a Thursday night. My immediate thought was always: I wish they had some company. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I hope no one ever thinks that of me because how mistaken they would be. I can take my time, put my nose in a book, decide last minute to go somewhere else. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’ve always done things on my own but always shied away from doing things on my own in public. Almost like these delights of eating out, listening to live music or going for a dance were reserved only for those who had managed to miraculously sync up their schedules. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The things we miss out on because we think we’re not enough company. The things we miss out on because we are under the constant impression we’re incomplete. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’d be happy if you joined me, but if you don’t I’m just as happy. This was not a feeling that came naturally, it was something that came out of repetition. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Is there anything you’ve avoided doing because you’re waiting for someone to join you? Or is there something you’ve done recently on your own that you really enjoyed? Lets inspire each other to do shit alone! 🌞⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I avoided traveling for so long because I was scared of doing it on my own. Packing my bags and going for it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
It had been a while since I had my own space. It feels nice to call something my own that isn’t a backpack 🎒 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ THE IMPORTANT BIT: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’m currently reading Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine because I felt like a simple read and it’s been recommended a million times. Not a book I would usually go for so I’m still quite unsure. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But I’m curious, what are you reading? I’d love to know and I’d love to add some new books to my ever growing list. THANKU AS ALWAYS 🌈
Good looking fruit everyday thank you.
A green thing and a book is a good way to start the day.
I like to imagine us, a lot older than we are today, in a wooden house, under a big grey cloud in the middle of the quietest and loudest part of the city. I’d go for walks alone in the morning, you’d go for ones at night and we’d always meet at our favourite café, take out our books and enjoy the best bit about our friendship: quiet, effortless, company. And then, what I would suggest is a very close second to the best bit of our friendship, we’d laugh uncontrollably, mostly at our own misfortune but also at anything else. This might be the only place we know to have no boundaries and what a relief that is. When you said your jaw would always hurt after our calls I meant to say my belly always aches. I meant to say I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have met you so easily, as if, there was no other way it could have been. Apart from the ridiculously large Frida Kahlo book you took on our first rainy fieldtrip to Rangitoto, there was no other way it could have been. I always like to think we were companions in another life. Maybe sea creatures or maybe something else. Maybe something funnier. Maybe we’ve had many lives together and in each one I felt just as lucky to have found you. I love you. I love you because I can always bring the most extreme parts of my personality to you without ever having to explain myself. Thank you for knowing when I need silence and when I need a stage and an audience to practice my best comedy bits. Thank you for picking up the phone, thank you for always being on my side, thank you for letting me know when I’ve screwed up because you are always on my side, and thank you for being forgiving every time. I am in awe of you always and I’ll never get tired of letting you know 🦌